Some might be too terrified to type these words where the Super Earth censors can see, but I’ll say it: I’m starting to worry that we’re trusting the Helldivers with too much terrifying firepower. Fortunately for the cape-wearing commandos gleefully detonating ordnance across the galaxy, my input has no bearing on the matter, and today has brought us yet another exciting addition to the armories of managed democracy.
Helldivers 2 has a tank now.
Watch On
Described in the patch notes for today’s 6.0.1 update as offering “unrivaled firepower and defense on the battlefield,” the TD-220 Bastion Mk XVI battle tank is a new stratagem that will deploy a drivable, heavily armored battle tank equipped with a 120mm high-velocity cannon and a heavy coaxial machinegun. It is also big and can run over things—things like bugs. And robots. And, probably, other Helldivers.
To unlock the Bastion, you’ll need 35,000 requisition slips—which is, tragically, more than I found in my pockets when logging into Helldivers 2 today after months away—and if the mechs were any indication, you’ll likely need to be at least rank 25. Once you’ve spent the necessary military scrip, you’re free to deploy your very own tank as often as the cooldown allows.
That’s once every 13 minutes, in other words. Tanks don’t grow on trees.
Staff writer Morgan Park was able to take the Bastion for a test drive and discovered the beast is impossible to operate with a single driver. In fact, there’s a driver seat, a gunner seat, as well as two transport seats who are mostly along for the ride (but can peek out of their hidey holes to cover the flank). The main gun also can’t rotate on the X axis, meaning it’s up to the driver to point them in the direction of robots. He says it’s slow, tough, and mean.
For those who haven’t been following along at home, the Helldivers are rolling out these armored assets as part of the March to Cyberstan, a new offensive in the galactic war effort. Super Earth forces have spent the last months developing the new Star of Peace superweapon—which is definitely not a Death Star—only for its plans to be stolen at the last minute by the Automaton Legion.
In retaliation, the Helldivers are now tasked with invading into the heart of the Automaton systems to liberate Cyberstan itself “in order to deny the inevitable development of socialist mundicide capabilities.” That’s the tragic thing about weapons development: To paraphrase Paul Virilio, when you invent the Death Star, you also invent the stealing-of-Death-Star-plans-to-construct-a-competing-Death-Star.
I’m sure it’ll turn out fine. That’s what the tanks are for. But armored fighting vehicles aren’t the only things hitting the galactic battlefields today: You’ll also be seeing Helldivers swinging new explosive breaching hammers courtesy of the latest Siege Breakers warbond.
It might be best to keep a safe operating distance between you and your comrades while everyone gets acclimated.
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